Hydration frustration

Let's pretend you're eating at my restaurant.  And I am your server.  If I were to approach your table and say, "Hey, guys!  How're y'all doing?" you would most likely answer …"good"… 

Maybe if you're particularly friendly, you might say… "good, and you?" 

Or maybe you're feeling apathetic today ("I'm doin' alright..."). 

Or overly energetic ("Great!" or "Fantastic!") ….more often than not I fall into that last category, to be honest.  But no, not the people I serve.  Instead, I have this conversation fifty-seven times a day:

Me: "Hey, guys!  How're y'all doing?"

Guest: "Strawberry lemonade"

Hold the phone. 

Strawberry lemonade is  a status of wellbeing now?  I had NO idea!  Thank you for enlightening me!

This is why (if I actually make it to the part of my opening spiel where I introduce myself and ASK about drink preferences), I prefer to just simply ask what you want to drink.  Sure, we're supposed to push "coke, tea, or lemonade" with every table.  Or the "drink focus of the week" (thank you, Corporate).  But frankly, I don't do that.  Wanna know why?  Because I don't want to remind you that I even have flavored teas and lemonades. 

See, asking for tea usually means unsweetened tea.  But honey, this is Texas.  We drink a little tea with our sugar here, so quit using my entire caddy of fake sugar that I'll have to refill later and just get the sweet tea that actually tastes good (unless you have a really good reason, like you're diabetic, then go ahead).  But then of course, if a guest wants a sweet tea, there's a good chance she's going to want a flavored tea--because God forbid her tea actually taste like tea.

If she asks for a lemonade, she's probably going to get "pink lemonade" (which--as was obviously forgotten--is called Raspberry Lemonade by anyone with an age in the double digits) or, worse, Strawberry Lemonade.  That's right, she wants me to scoop a clump, uh, I mean, a dollop (sounds so much nicer, right??) of thawed strawberry compote that's so unnaturally pink that it looks, well, unnatural, into a beverage that now involves chewing. 

In concept, the process really is quite simple.  First I have to make a glass of regular lemonade or tea and ring in the drink, and then go to the bar where the bartender will give the flavoring as ordered.  If it's a tea, I have to shake it and garnish the rim of the first glass served.  Ta-daa.   But in practice, these flavored concoctions are a pain in the neck when the restaurant is busy.  They are time consuming and darn well annoying. I have to wait for the bartender(s) to get to a stopping point amidst serving the handful of people seated at the bar, processing dozens of simultaneous to-go orders, and making headway through the constantly growing list of alcoholic beverages ordered--you know, actually doing his own job--so that he can finally reach the opportunity to acknowledge me and this lady's fruit needs.  I may spend a good two or three minutes at the bar simply waiting for the bartender.   That two or three minutes effectively doubles the amount of time it takes me to bring the drinks to the table.  I can't drop off the teas and lemonades  at the bar and go take care of another task and just come back to pick them up because then the bartenders won't know which tea belongs to which server and which flavor to squirt in--so unattended teas get ignored. That two or three minutes is lost unnecessarily and occasionally frustrates the guests because of how long it's taking me to get her drinks.

Once I serve this guest a fruit lemonade or a fruit-infused tea (Yes, it's called infused now.  Why?  Because I shook the damn thing, so now it's fancy.), one of two things is going to happen:

1--She hates it: "This Strawberry Lemonade is too tart!"

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot  to warn you that our lemonade is flavored from lemons. Which are tart. And yes, I'm also sorry that the one dollop of juicy strawberry compote, which by the way has as much sugar as an entire can of soda, isn't sweet enough to meet your sugar overdose needs!  Can I get you something else instead? 

Usually she'll just ask for another scoop of strawberries (back to the bar!). Or switch to a soda (off to find a manager so I can start the hour long process of reminding him three or four times to remove the first drink from the check).

2--She guzzles it down.  As in.. She sucked down every last drop of lemonade and is now using her fork or straw or fingers or something to grab out all the last bits of the pink fruit-based clump. And I haven't even finished taking the party's entrée orders.  So annoying.  Now, thanks to Miss Sugar Addict over here, I have to choose between getting her a refill right away and ordering the table's food.  Either the whole party's food order will be delayed because she's dehydrated, or she's going to continue to be empty and thus get frustrated with me. And then shake her glass at me while I'm five feet away assisting another tables. Guess what, I'm going to choose entering in the food orders every time.  And then bring her two drinks at a time to make it obvious that she's ridiculous: "Here ya go, sweetie. I brought you two since you're so thirsty, and I thought I'd save myself the extra trip," flashing her a smile that's sweeter and faker than those strawberries.

[ degreed waitress ]