To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #4

I *thought* that this would be common sense. I forgot that common sense just isn't common. smh.

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #4: Know who you're ordering for. Before you place an order.

It's dinner rush on Friday night.

You have just called my restaurant, and the new sixteen-year-old hostess at the front who can't be bothered with walking guests to their tables because she might ruin her makeup, so she just stands there answering the phone has just transferred your to-go phone call to me at the to-go area [ aka the bar ].

I'm in the middle of helping at least one or two or seven other guests at this time, so after about a minute or two of listening to the annoying as hell riiiiiiiiiiiing BEEP BEEP signifying that the Queen of England [ or whoever you think you are ] is waiting to talk to me, I will finally answer the phone with the cheerful, albeit slightly rushed greeting, "[ my restaurant ] To-Go, please hold," press the hold button, and put down the phone so fast that I have no idea if you've even heard me or not. [ okay, okay... sometimes I stay on the line long enough to utter a pleasant thank you. ]

My next task is to navigate to a stopping point in the pickup and placement of orders by the people standing right in front of me [ not to mention serving food and drinks to the bar guests, making drinks the servers have ordered for the rest of the restaurant, answering the OTHER to-go phone line, and being my own bar-back, etc. ] and get back to your call. Usually I can get to the phone within 2 - 3 minutes. Sometimes though, it's five minutes... and no, I'm not proud of that, but there ya go.

Now I finally give you my time. I pick up your phone line and greet with you an actually genuine "Thank you so much for holding. My name is [ degreed waitress ]. How may I help you?"

It is now your time to speak.

I give you all my [ largely ] undivided attention, and you give me all the food orders you could possibly imagine. All the menu-related questions you hold. All the special modifications you need. All the extra dressings your little heart desires. All the separate check specifications. Bring it. I'm ready. Anything else to clog your arteries, Your Highness? My time is yours.

It is NOT, however, the time for you to start figuring out who will be eating.


[ photo credit ]

Don't waste my time making me listen to you ask your cousin, your auntie, your nana, your friend, your baby daddy, or [ God forbid ] your four-year-old world's-least-intelligent kid if they want anything to eat from our restaurant tonight. You had plenty of time to assemble everyone's orders while you were on hold. And even more time before you picked up that phone.

So, please, make everyone's life a little easier and take a few minutes to find out who is hungry before you call me.


[ degreed waitress ]

To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #3

The to-go food ordering process can be a complex relationship at times, but believe me -- all it takes is a little trust.

If I can manage to trust that you -- a complete stranger -- will actually show up to claim your order like you say you will, thus ensuring that the time and effort put forth both by myself and by the entire kitchen staff [ not to mention the restaurant's food, and therefore money ] aren't completely wasted, then you should be able to trust that I actually know the menu of my own restaurant.

Apparently, many customers hold so tightly to their motto, "The customer is always right," that it somehow supersedes all logic, and it miraculously still applies when they are not even inside the restaurant, have not yet even become customers, and are not in possession of any reading materials [ i.e. menus ] -- whether in print or online -- which would spell out how to become a customer. 

Since I becoming a to-go order processor [ aka bartender ], I have been surprised on a daily basis at how easily upset and offended the to-go callers can be at the revelation of little tidbits of menu information. They routinely argue with me about anything and everything remotely contrary to their preconceived notions of what our restaurant serves. 

This leads me to today's tip...

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #3: Trust the person taking your order.

**If I tell you the entrée comes with one side dish, not two, then the entrée comes with one side dish, not two.
[ Choose just one or pay for the second. It's that easy, really. ]

**If I tell you that we don't serve mac 'n' cheese, then we don't serve mac 'n' cheese.
[ You're going to pass Boston Market on the way here, so why don't you just stop there instead, yeah? ]

**If I tell you that we can't take the onions out of the chicken tortilla soup, then we can't take the onions out of the chicken tortilla soup. 
[ Besides, do you really want us fishing around inside your bowl of soup, picking out the bits of chopped onion one-by-one, all by hand? I don't think so. Oh wait, you didn't actually think that our made-from-scratch soup is made one bowl at a time, did you? That's just cute. ]

**If I tell you that we stopped serving half-orders of onion rings over a year ago, then we stopped selling half-orders over a year ago.
[ And by "stopped serving" them, I don't just mean, "The managers said 'no,' but don't worry, random customer, I'm totally going to break the rules just for you." I mean, I don't have even the ability to order them anymore. The button itself is no longer existent. Therefore, NO you did NOT get a half-order here "just last week." Unless you went to a different branch. And that branch would have to be a franchise, not corporate, because that change was corporate-wide. And the nearest franchise-owned restaurant in our chain is a couple hundred miles away. So if you were there last week, then yeah, you probably did get the half-order of onion rings when you ordered them. But if you were here, like you're so adamantly insisting, then no, you did not get them last week, and no, you will not get them this week. So please stop arguing with me. ]

**If I -- and the menu -- tell you that all things labeled "chicken tenders" are fried chicken tenders and all things labeled "grilled chicken breasts" are grilled chicken breasts, then guess what? That's how it is. "Chicken Tenders" are not grilled, and "chicken breasts" are not fried.
[ I know, I know, it's all so confusing. It's like the restaurant should just make a detailed list of what's in every single entrée and make it easily accessible by putting that list on every single table and in front of every single guest..... ]


Essentially what it comes down to is this...

I had to prove thorough knowledge of our menu in order to complete training and even be allowed to work here.

I have worked here, serving food from this menu, nearly every day for the past two years.

I have eaten here, eating food from this menu, nearly every day for the past two years.

I have trained dozens of new hires to become excellent servers, and that includes teaching them the details of this menu.

Let's just say I know the menu.

Therefore,

**If I make a menu-related comment, then please assume it to be fact. Do not argue, as you will only make yourself look stupid.

Unless, of course, that was your original intent. Then, by all means, go right ahead.

Either way, thank you for unintentionally gifting me the subsequent momentary feeling of intellectual superiority. That's the chicken [ tortilla ] soup for my soul.


[ degreed waitress ]

This JUST happened.

[ catching up with an old friend's dad after church this morning ]

"So where do you work?"

" [ my restaurant ]. I'm a bartender."

"A bartender? Four years of college, and you're a bartender?"


Gee, thanks. Can I slap you in the face now?


[ degreed waitress ]

To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #2

What is your name?
[ degreed waitress ]

What is your quest?
To eradicate to-go food ordering stupidity.

What is your favorite color?
Teal! No, green! No! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #2: Pay attention to what the person taking your order is saying.

I answered your call pleasantly, saying "[ my restaurant ] To-Go, thank you for holding. Can I get the name for your order please?"



What is your name?

[ photo credit ]

Guess what?! I didn't just say that same spiel for the seventy-third time tonight just for giggles and grins. No, there's actually a reason! I need your name first. So when you ignore my question and shoot off three or four rapid-fire orders all the while I'm trying to sneak in a repeat of the question, "Hold on a moment, ma'am, can I get your name please?" then you have the audacity to rudely snap "No! I'm not finished yet!" and keep ordering... then you have NO right to be pissed off when I politely state, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't take your order until I have your name." A super offended "Excuse me?" is NOT called for, but luckily you've finally shut up long enough for me to explain, "My computer system won't allow me to start a food order without a name for the order. Which is why I asked you for your name first. So what name can I put your order under?"
 
By the way, lady, in those few moments of deafening silence, I could just hear you shrink in embarrassment. And I kinda enjoyed it. So, uh, thanks for that ;)
 
[ p.s. Thanks also for sending your son to pick up the food. He's always really nice and tips really well. ]


[ degreed waitress ]

A(ballsy)broad

Once again, I had the what are you doing with your life? conversation with my guests.

Oh, joy.

They kept asking me questions between bites (it was somehow less awkward than it sounds, I promise), but unlike any other conversation on this topic that I've ever had with a guest, I never felt judged for my employment choice or demeaned in any way. This middle-aged married couple seemed legitimately interested in getting to know me. It was weird, well, at first, anyways.

We talked about my International Business degree. We talked about my love for traveling the world, acquiring new languages, and building cross-cultural relationships. We talked about my indecisiveness, my uncertainties. But most importantly, we talked about her life.

The two seated in front of me shared my international interests. The wife especially had vastly out-traveled me, thanks mainly to this story: At age 21, she was a single mother with a one-year-old daughter and an overwhelming urge to travel the world.  And what did she do?

She traveled the world.

Yup. With no plans and no goals, a young woman left all friends, family, and familiarity behind to travel extensively throughout Europe and Asia for the first time. For nearly a year. With an infant.

Why can't I find the balls to do that?

I mean, seriously. Why am I still here? I'm 23, educated, single, no kids, relatively little debt, and in a job that I can easily (and most days, gladly) leave. My wanderlust was my main reason for choosing the International Business major. My only positive academic memories from elementary and middle school are from my Spanish and Latin classes because I loved learning languages so much. My soul's sole craving right now is just to be a traveler.

Not a tourist, mind you. A traveler. There is a difference.

A traveler. My imagination soars into wild creativity building scenario after fantastic scenario. My gut clenches around what feels like a thousand butterflies. My heart leaps, racing over each Olympic hurdle of a rib.

I become a whole new person when I travel. I become bold, where I am normally cautious. I become an adrenaline junkie, where I am normally apprehensive. I become serene, where I am normally feisty. I become spirited, where I am normally lazy. I become conscientious of my surroundings, where I am normally inattentive. I become the better version of myself.

And yet, I'm still here. I find a way to talk myself out of it, every time -- How will I afford it? What will I do while I'm there -- will I just travel on my own, or will I seek out a job while there, or enroll in a service immersion program? How long would I stay? What would I do when I get back? Where would I even go? Would I be safe? What if I got lonely traveling by myself? What about all the friends I would miss? How would my mother get any sleep at night? blah blah blah... -- And then I take the easy road yet again -- the highway to my hellhole of a restaurant job -- and I am disappointed in myself for talking myself out of going, every time.

Why can't I find the balls to do that?

The question still rings in my head. Every time I look at table 114. Every time someone mentions traveling. Every time a guest/coworker/friend/parent asks me what I want to do next in life.

Why can't I find the balls to do that?

Why am I holding myself back from the one thing I want most?

Maybe one day, I'll just go.


[ degreed waitress ]

To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #1

As I have recently stated, the vast majority of my job as a bartender is, in fact, handling all to-go orders instead of handling bar drinks.

Through these interactions, it has come to my attention that very few people know how to navigate the to-go food waters smoothly, which has inspired me to compile an ever-growing list of suggestions for anyone who engages in to-go food transactions.

Most people who read these might actually glean something worthwhile from this series.

The rest of you, however, can celebrate that your common sense and basic intelligence sets you apart from the hordes of idiots I have to deal with each day. Therefore, y'all can read these posts for the sadly humorous interactions with some of those not-as-intellectually-blessed.

Regardless of where you fit into all this, my To-Go Tips Galore! shall be broken into multiple posts so as to save your lovely eyes from exhaustion. And so we begin!

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #1: Know what restaurant you're calling.

Ordering the Crispy Chicken Crispers is a fantastic idea! ...that is, if you're calling Chili's. I do not (have never, nor will ever) work at Chili's. Do not use Chili's terminology when you're placing an order with me, an employee of the restaurant that is not only around the corner from Chili's, but also is it's direct competitor.

[ photo credit ]

And when I clarify with you, "Oh, you mean the Chicken Tender Platter? The Crispers are at Chili's." please do NOT disregard my statement and just continue, "Yeah, well, I want the Crispy Chicken Crispers." If you are in a Chili's mindset when you come into my restaurant, then nothing we serve you will be what you expected, and you are less likely to be pleased. And theoretically we aim to please.

Furthermore, if the restaurant you are calling is part of a chain, please make sure that the branch you call and the branch you show up to are the same one. I don't want your five boxes of unclaimed food cluttering up my counter for three hours before we have to throw it away and thus severely damage our food costs any more than you want to show up and discover that your food is, in fact, not ready so you have to sit there waiting for it to be made and thus eliminating the advantage of calling ahead. In short, don't waste everyone else's time and money just because you're too stupid to do a simple Google search.


[ degreed waitress ]

"Sometimes, on Sunday mornings...

...I listen to gangster rap before work just so that I can be prepared for the customers we're gonna have."

-- "Eloise"

That is some sage advice, my friend.


[ degreed waitress ]