To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #7

Okay, so I put you on hold. I realize neither of us wants that. But let's take a second, shall we? Let's think about why. Why did I put you on hold?

The answer really is quite simple  -- Now's not a good time to talk.
 

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #7: If you want your food, then stay on the line.
 
This is a concept I've touched on before in a previous To-Go Tips Galore! post, but it certainly needs repeating.
 
I only have one computer, you know. I share that computer with my other bartenders. If one of them is ordering food or processing a payment for another guest, I have to wait to use the computer.
 
Please, dear caller, allow me to take two or three minutes to get some other things settled for the people standing directly in front of me, and then you can have all of my attention.
 
I promise I will come back to you.
  
I have two phone lines, and most of the time during the weekend rush, both of them are ringing simultaneously. I could very well be answering a to-go call on the other line while you're on hold.
 
I answer the calls in the order in which they came. So when you decide you've waited long enough, hang up and call back, guess what you've done? You've put yourself at the end of the line again. You're likely going back on hold to wait out a few more minutes.

Together, my fellow bartenders and I are processing the pickup and placement of to-go orders by the people standing right in front of us, serving food and drinks to the bar guests, making drinks the servers have ordered for the restaurant, and acting as our own bar-back, in addition to answering the two to-go phone lines.

And the last thing I, or my bar guests, could possibly want to hear while doing all of this is that God-forsakenly-annoying riiiiiiiiiiiing BEEP BEEP of the to-go lines. Putting a caller on hold solidifies his/her place in line while silencing that haunting noise.
 

[ Side note: a bar guest the other day had the gall to ask us if we could silence the phone ringer. It took everything within me to not retort, "And how do you expect us to answer the phone if no one knows it's ringing?" ]

Now if you've been on hold for ten minutes -- which is extremely rare [ and far more rare than the guests claim is occurring ] -- then, yes,  hanging up and calling back is a good idea, because I have likely forgotten about you in my scurrying about. That's my bad. But seriously, don't yell at me. You chose to call in at 7pm on a Saturday night, or at 12:30 on a Friday afternoon, and so you have to deal with the consequences: longer wait times. What did you think I was doing? Just sitting around, twiddling my thumbs, hoping and wishing that you -- yes, you! -- would deign to call me so that I would finally, finally have something to do??

I cannot tell you how many people offhandedly comment upon arrival, "Well, I was gonna complain about how long you had me on hold for, but then I got here and saw how busy y'all are! I don't know you keep up with all this!"

So what now, you self-entitled jerk? In yo' face!
Maybe you should get your panties untwisted and you won't be so insufferably impatient!
Stand there in awe at my epic multitasking skills!
Revel in amazement at the sheer volume of sales I am conducting by the minute.
Realize that you are significantly less important to me than you had initially presumed.
And be patient in that line 'til it's your turn for my attention.

So there.
:)
 
[ photo credit ]

 
 
Sometimes, our situation is exacerbated when we are extremely busy by the management blocking off one of our to-go lines to help save the kitchen from going down in flames. When the cooks are slammed with the food orders for hundreds of people actually seated in restaurant, adding five or six orders every three minutes or so for someone who's not even here yet can be the straw that breaks the camel's back. My standard, and fairly accurate, "15-20 minutes" quote time becomes "20-25 minutes." But this means that now I have only one to-go line. So if I'm talking to someone on that line, or someone is on hold, then no one else can place any to-go orders. Sure this kills my potential for tips from the lost to-go orders and can irritate some guests, but it maintains the kitchen's ability to function, which, from what I can tell, is pretty darn critical for a restaurant to operate.

This is yet another reason for you to stay on the line! Again, if I put you on hold, I'm coming back! There are anywhere from one to four bartenders working at any given moment, so if none of us can get to you at that precise moment you call, please be patient. My restaurant as a corporation technically does not support the to-go operation, but is forced to tolerate it, meaning that we don't have a designated to-go person. As in, on weekend evening shifts, we have four bartenders: one up to his neck in drink orders for the whole restaurant while two more are drowning in to-go orders, and the fourth is generally acting as the assistant, the "go fer" running the errands the other three need to stay afloat. And somehow between the four of us, we manage to serve our fifteen or so bar-top guests. Despite the corporate anti to-go stance, our store's to-go sales constitute 15% of the entire restaurant's sales. We would not even remotely need a fourth, or even a third, bartender on weekend nights if we had a smaller to-go operation. Even other stores in our chain here in the area would be crippled by the sheer volume of to-go orders that we handle routinely. We have a lot going on.

tl;dr: BE PATIENT, YOU IMPATIENT, ENTITLED JERKWAD. YOUR TIME WILL COME.

[ photo credit ]

 

[ degreed waitress ]

To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #6

I'm sure we've all looked at a restaurant's menu and found that *one* entrée that you would just love to get...... if it didn't have mushrooms.... or pineapples... or peanuts... whatever the case may be.

Perhaps you're allergic to the item. Perhaps you just plain don't like it.

Perhaps you're vegetarian and need to find a dish without any meat. Perhaps you're super vegetarian and need to find a dish without any chicken broth, bacon grease, or meat-related bases or flavors.

Some dishes you would need to avoid completely because they can't be modified in the way you would want. Some dishes can be modified easily, simply by clearly communicating your wants and needs to your server.

Whatever the case may be, it is your right and privilege to ask these questions of your server. It is the server's responsibility to know the answer. Or, if he doesn't know it immediately and with complete certainty, it is his responsibility to get the answer to you as soon as possible.

But here's the catch... ask informed questions. Asking vague questions gets you nowhere. Asking informed questions gets you answers.

There is a key difference between asking your server something completely vague, "What's good here?" and asking something slightly more specific, "What's your favorite dish?" The more specific, the better: "What's your favorite dish with grilled chicken?" Bingo. Get ready for a good conversation on the dinners available with grilled chicken, as well as a personalized recommendation.

The more information your server has about your food interests, the better he can tailor his suggestions to you. That is a key part of the service he provides in being a waiter. He can't help a customer pick a meal nearly as adequately without some cooperation from the customer herself. Otherwise, he's just going to resort to promoting the special of that day or week regardless of how much it would interest you, simply 'cause management told him to promote it -- or bribed him to, by means of competitions and prizes.

The question-asking scenarios get a little rougher when there's a pair of telephones in between the customer and the server, though. Usually that's 'cause the customer hasn't looked at a menu anytime recently [ but I've discussed this before ]...

To-Go Tips Galore! #6: Ask informed questions.

Here's a bright idea..... THINK!!!

[ photo credit ]

Regardless of the situation, I once again implore customers, especially those who place to-go orders via phone, to please take a few minutes to prepare your order -- including your questions -- before picking up the phone.

Want some [ unfortunately ] real examples from my daily experiences?

** "Uhh, yeah, hey, can I get a chicken salad?" is NOT acceptable.
[ All entrée salads have chicken on them. Unless specifically ordered otherwise. ]

** "What kind of chicken salads y'all got?" is NOT acceptable.
[ Same reason applies. Plus, If you just waited nearly five minutes on hold to talk to me, you can safely assume that I am busy helping other people. So why the hell would you think it's okay to ask me to explain the menu to you? ]

** "What sides y'all have?" is NOT acceptable.
[ With our recent new menu rollout, I now have nearly two dozen side dish options, including the price upgrade options. And the number of sides you get -- not to mention the prices -- varies depending on the category of entrées and sides selected. You're just going to order Fries and Broccoli Cheese Casserole anyway, so quit wasting my time asking me to list them all. ]

** "What is the size difference between the lunch and dinner portions of catfish?" IS acceptable.
[ One fillet versus two fillets. ]

** "Is the bourbon glaze spicy?" IS acceptable.
[ And no, it is not. It is, however, totally awesome. ]

** "Is it possible to add an extra breast of grilled chicken to that Alfredo pasta?" IS acceptable.
[ And yes, it is possible. Only $1.99 more. ]

** "What does the 'loaded' for your 'loaded baked potato' mean?" IS acceptable.
[ Butter, cheese, and sour cream. "No ma'am, no chives... No, we don't even have chives, ma'am... There won't be any chives on your baked potato whatsoever... No chives, I got it." ] 

** "What do you mean 'loaded' don' come wit' bacon bits?! You serious I gotta pay 79 sint fo' bacon? Das crazy. Everywhurr else put bacon on dey potatoes! Nu-uh, I ain't payin' no extra fo' bacon bits!" IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
[ If you want free bacon on your baked potato, go to a restaurant with bacon as part of their 'loaded.' *cough*Chili's*cough* Have fun making up for it by paying more for any of their entrées than you would have for any of ours. ]


[ degreed waitress ]

To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #5

Again with the [ not so ] common sense.

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #5: Pick up the menu. Before you pick up the phone.

Oh, and read it, too.

I've given this example before, but asking me for a side of macaroni and cheese when that side is listed absolutely nowhere on our menu is just plain stupid.

[ There is a rare exception to this statement: If you know -- and you know for absolute certain -- that there is a "secret menu item" -- an item regularly served yet not listed on the menu -- then you may, of course, order this item. ]

Telling me you want "that baked fish plate" is not only as far from helpful as you could possibly be, it is also a guaranteed way to make me hate you. I do not want to play "20 Questions" over the phone, but I swear people MUST think that I do because I have this exact conversation almost word-for-word at least three times a week:

Me -- How may I help you?
Caller -- I wanna get that baked fish plate.
Me -- We actually don't bake our fish. We have grilled and fried, though.
Caller -- Grilled, then.
Me -- Okay, well we have salmon, catfish, tilapia, and shrimp. Which would you like?
Caller -- I don't 'member which one it was, but it was grilled and on, like, a bed of rice.
Me -- Well, we actually serve each of them that way, but--
Caller -- Oh, hmm, well I guess, hmm, yeah, you can get me the grilled catfish.
Me -- Would you like the lunch or dinner portion?
Caller -- Dinner.
Me -- And would you like that with lemon pepper seasoning or blackened with Cajun spices? [ awkward silence of decision making ] Or perhaps one fillet of each?
Caller -- Blackened.
Me -- Okay, and what will your sides be?
Caller -- How many ya'get?
Me -- Two.
Caller -- Umm, I guess, hmm, I guess you can get me some fries. And what other sides y'all got?
Me -- [ lists over 15 side dish options ]
Caller -- I guess, get me some macaroni and cheese.



I die a little inside with each occurrence of this conversation.

[ photo credit ]

99% of the time, I am far too busy to spend two full minutes going back and forth on one entrée. Just do me a favor, pretty please? [ It's super easy, I promise ]

READ. THE. MENU.

Guess what?! It's even online!

That way, you can tell me very succinctly that you'd like the "Dinner portion of the Blackened Catfish with sides of x and y."

And guess what?! Now I don't hate you!

See how much easier that was?!?


[ degreed waitress ]

To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #4

I *thought* that this would be common sense. I forgot that common sense just isn't common. smh.

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #4: Know who you're ordering for. Before you place an order.

It's dinner rush on Friday night.

You have just called my restaurant, and the new sixteen-year-old hostess at the front who can't be bothered with walking guests to their tables because she might ruin her makeup, so she just stands there answering the phone has just transferred your to-go phone call to me at the to-go area [ aka the bar ].

I'm in the middle of helping at least one or two or seven other guests at this time, so after about a minute or two of listening to the annoying as hell riiiiiiiiiiiing BEEP BEEP signifying that the Queen of England [ or whoever you think you are ] is waiting to talk to me, I will finally answer the phone with the cheerful, albeit slightly rushed greeting, "[ my restaurant ] To-Go, please hold," press the hold button, and put down the phone so fast that I have no idea if you've even heard me or not. [ okay, okay... sometimes I stay on the line long enough to utter a pleasant thank you. ]

My next task is to navigate to a stopping point in the pickup and placement of orders by the people standing right in front of me [ not to mention serving food and drinks to the bar guests, making drinks the servers have ordered for the rest of the restaurant, answering the OTHER to-go phone line, and being my own bar-back, etc. ] and get back to your call. Usually I can get to the phone within 2 - 3 minutes. Sometimes though, it's five minutes... and no, I'm not proud of that, but there ya go.

Now I finally give you my time. I pick up your phone line and greet with you an actually genuine "Thank you so much for holding. My name is [ degreed waitress ]. How may I help you?"

It is now your time to speak.

I give you all my [ largely ] undivided attention, and you give me all the food orders you could possibly imagine. All the menu-related questions you hold. All the special modifications you need. All the extra dressings your little heart desires. All the separate check specifications. Bring it. I'm ready. Anything else to clog your arteries, Your Highness? My time is yours.

It is NOT, however, the time for you to start figuring out who will be eating.


[ photo credit ]

Don't waste my time making me listen to you ask your cousin, your auntie, your nana, your friend, your baby daddy, or [ God forbid ] your four-year-old world's-least-intelligent kid if they want anything to eat from our restaurant tonight. You had plenty of time to assemble everyone's orders while you were on hold. And even more time before you picked up that phone.

So, please, make everyone's life a little easier and take a few minutes to find out who is hungry before you call me.


[ degreed waitress ]

To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #3

The to-go food ordering process can be a complex relationship at times, but believe me -- all it takes is a little trust.

If I can manage to trust that you -- a complete stranger -- will actually show up to claim your order like you say you will, thus ensuring that the time and effort put forth both by myself and by the entire kitchen staff [ not to mention the restaurant's food, and therefore money ] aren't completely wasted, then you should be able to trust that I actually know the menu of my own restaurant.

Apparently, many customers hold so tightly to their motto, "The customer is always right," that it somehow supersedes all logic, and it miraculously still applies when they are not even inside the restaurant, have not yet even become customers, and are not in possession of any reading materials [ i.e. menus ] -- whether in print or online -- which would spell out how to become a customer. 

Since I becoming a to-go order processor [ aka bartender ], I have been surprised on a daily basis at how easily upset and offended the to-go callers can be at the revelation of little tidbits of menu information. They routinely argue with me about anything and everything remotely contrary to their preconceived notions of what our restaurant serves. 

This leads me to today's tip...

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #3: Trust the person taking your order.

**If I tell you the entrée comes with one side dish, not two, then the entrée comes with one side dish, not two.
[ Choose just one or pay for the second. It's that easy, really. ]

**If I tell you that we don't serve mac 'n' cheese, then we don't serve mac 'n' cheese.
[ You're going to pass Boston Market on the way here, so why don't you just stop there instead, yeah? ]

**If I tell you that we can't take the onions out of the chicken tortilla soup, then we can't take the onions out of the chicken tortilla soup. 
[ Besides, do you really want us fishing around inside your bowl of soup, picking out the bits of chopped onion one-by-one, all by hand? I don't think so. Oh wait, you didn't actually think that our made-from-scratch soup is made one bowl at a time, did you? That's just cute. ]

**If I tell you that we stopped serving half-orders of onion rings over a year ago, then we stopped selling half-orders over a year ago.
[ And by "stopped serving" them, I don't just mean, "The managers said 'no,' but don't worry, random customer, I'm totally going to break the rules just for you." I mean, I don't have even the ability to order them anymore. The button itself is no longer existent. Therefore, NO you did NOT get a half-order here "just last week." Unless you went to a different branch. And that branch would have to be a franchise, not corporate, because that change was corporate-wide. And the nearest franchise-owned restaurant in our chain is a couple hundred miles away. So if you were there last week, then yeah, you probably did get the half-order of onion rings when you ordered them. But if you were here, like you're so adamantly insisting, then no, you did not get them last week, and no, you will not get them this week. So please stop arguing with me. ]

**If I -- and the menu -- tell you that all things labeled "chicken tenders" are fried chicken tenders and all things labeled "grilled chicken breasts" are grilled chicken breasts, then guess what? That's how it is. "Chicken Tenders" are not grilled, and "chicken breasts" are not fried.
[ I know, I know, it's all so confusing. It's like the restaurant should just make a detailed list of what's in every single entrée and make it easily accessible by putting that list on every single table and in front of every single guest..... ]


Essentially what it comes down to is this...

I had to prove thorough knowledge of our menu in order to complete training and even be allowed to work here.

I have worked here, serving food from this menu, nearly every day for the past two years.

I have eaten here, eating food from this menu, nearly every day for the past two years.

I have trained dozens of new hires to become excellent servers, and that includes teaching them the details of this menu.

Let's just say I know the menu.

Therefore,

**If I make a menu-related comment, then please assume it to be fact. Do not argue, as you will only make yourself look stupid.

Unless, of course, that was your original intent. Then, by all means, go right ahead.

Either way, thank you for unintentionally gifting me the subsequent momentary feeling of intellectual superiority. That's the chicken [ tortilla ] soup for my soul.


[ degreed waitress ]

To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #2

What is your name?
[ degreed waitress ]

What is your quest?
To eradicate to-go food ordering stupidity.

What is your favorite color?
Teal! No, green! No! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #2: Pay attention to what the person taking your order is saying.

I answered your call pleasantly, saying "[ my restaurant ] To-Go, thank you for holding. Can I get the name for your order please?"



What is your name?

[ photo credit ]

Guess what?! I didn't just say that same spiel for the seventy-third time tonight just for giggles and grins. No, there's actually a reason! I need your name first. So when you ignore my question and shoot off three or four rapid-fire orders all the while I'm trying to sneak in a repeat of the question, "Hold on a moment, ma'am, can I get your name please?" then you have the audacity to rudely snap "No! I'm not finished yet!" and keep ordering... then you have NO right to be pissed off when I politely state, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't take your order until I have your name." A super offended "Excuse me?" is NOT called for, but luckily you've finally shut up long enough for me to explain, "My computer system won't allow me to start a food order without a name for the order. Which is why I asked you for your name first. So what name can I put your order under?"
 
By the way, lady, in those few moments of deafening silence, I could just hear you shrink in embarrassment. And I kinda enjoyed it. So, uh, thanks for that ;)
 
[ p.s. Thanks also for sending your son to pick up the food. He's always really nice and tips really well. ]


[ degreed waitress ]

To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #1

As I have recently stated, the vast majority of my job as a bartender is, in fact, handling all to-go orders instead of handling bar drinks.

Through these interactions, it has come to my attention that very few people know how to navigate the to-go food waters smoothly, which has inspired me to compile an ever-growing list of suggestions for anyone who engages in to-go food transactions.

Most people who read these might actually glean something worthwhile from this series.

The rest of you, however, can celebrate that your common sense and basic intelligence sets you apart from the hordes of idiots I have to deal with each day. Therefore, y'all can read these posts for the sadly humorous interactions with some of those not-as-intellectually-blessed.

Regardless of where you fit into all this, my To-Go Tips Galore! shall be broken into multiple posts so as to save your lovely eyes from exhaustion. And so we begin!

To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #1: Know what restaurant you're calling.

Ordering the Crispy Chicken Crispers is a fantastic idea! ...that is, if you're calling Chili's. I do not (have never, nor will ever) work at Chili's. Do not use Chili's terminology when you're placing an order with me, an employee of the restaurant that is not only around the corner from Chili's, but also is it's direct competitor.

[ photo credit ]

And when I clarify with you, "Oh, you mean the Chicken Tender Platter? The Crispers are at Chili's." please do NOT disregard my statement and just continue, "Yeah, well, I want the Crispy Chicken Crispers." If you are in a Chili's mindset when you come into my restaurant, then nothing we serve you will be what you expected, and you are less likely to be pleased. And theoretically we aim to please.

Furthermore, if the restaurant you are calling is part of a chain, please make sure that the branch you call and the branch you show up to are the same one. I don't want your five boxes of unclaimed food cluttering up my counter for three hours before we have to throw it away and thus severely damage our food costs any more than you want to show up and discover that your food is, in fact, not ready so you have to sit there waiting for it to be made and thus eliminating the advantage of calling ahead. In short, don't waste everyone else's time and money just because you're too stupid to do a simple Google search.


[ degreed waitress ]