10:45 AM
A guy comes to the restaurant to eat this morning. But we're not open yet. So the host cracks open the door and says, "Sorry, we're not open yet."
"Okay. What time do you open?"
*pause*
The host backs up a few steps and leans into the cocktail room. "Hey, what time do we open?"
I blink at him.
Never mind that the front door clearly states the hours of operation in full view of both guys.... not to mention it's also listed online....
Never mind that one of the first things they make you memorize on your first day of New Hire Orientation is our hours of operation....
Never mind that you have worked here for a couple months now....
Never mind that you are the host and it is your job to open the doors for the guest and greet them all morning....
"11:00," I answer him.
"Okay, thanks!"
And he goes back to the front door to tell the guy.
Seriously, dude?
[ degreed waitress ]
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Why are coworkers always drama magnets?
We may only have a handful of bartenders here, but man, they sure are a handful.
His Royal Highness Raymond
Raymond is our head bartender. He has worked for our little slice of heaven for over 12 years now. Longer than nearly all other staff, including most of our managers. He calls the shots about his schedule, he maintains the restaurant's alcohol inventory, and he essentially has the management eating out of his hand. [ Especially since one of our managers totally has the hots for him -- "mmm, I swear, if we weren't both taken!" ]
With Raymond, respect is not given -- only earned. I mean, at the rate that serversbreak free and run screaming from this place quit or get fired, he's likely worked with several, several hundred people who no longer so much as cross his mind. You need to prove you're worth his time. It took me snapping back at him when he was being a ridiculous prick [ but then again, that's nearly every day ] for him to actually see me as a person, not just a nameless server.
Having spent over a decade bartending at the same location, let's just say he's built up a few regulars. I have come to know many of them myself; in fact, I've got a couple dozen people's normal drink and food orders memorized, but my "dozens" is only the tip of the Raymond iceberg. I am completely not even remotely kidding when I say that in EVERY. SINGLE. SHIFT. there is at least one guest who'll ask me, "Where's Ray?" "Is Ray not workin' tonight?" "Does Ray still work here?" etc. [ Every Friday and Saturday, fellow bartender Sybil and I place bets on how many "Where's Ray?" comments we'll drudge through as we work without him ].
"Okay, well, will you tell Ray that [ insert guest's name here ] said hi? He'll remember me." "Yes, of course," I lie. What's crazy is, he would remember them. Any of them. You know those scenes in TV crime dramas where the police interview the bartender and get the guest's entire life story which gives them the exact lead they need to solve the crime? Before I started working here, I'd never found that to be realistic. The "I-know-everybody Bartender" just struck me as a deus ex machina for the stuck writer.
Nope. He's real.
And in Raymond's case, he's also a total clean freak. One who is easily aggravated at walking in to a mess. Or anything less than perfectly spotless. And by the way, "easily aggravated" is putting it nicely. He's so nitpicky about it that his cleaning towels are always neatly folded in fourths at all times.
When I bartend lunch shifts, Raymond comes in at 4 o'clock to replace me. So essentially, by around 3 o'clock I've devolved into a nervous wreck, hustling here and there to the epic crunch-time theme song playing in my head, cleaning all sorts of things, praying that by the time he arrives, he can flash me his calm, almost-smile and utter his almost-whispered approval, "Looks good, babe." Then, our group of daily regulars [ captained by a spunky grandmotherly type woman whom Raymond calls "Mom" -- cuz, yeah, they're that close ] who arrive shortly after Raymond does, will high-five me behind his back and quietly exclaim, "Way to go, girlfriend!" And, more importantly, the entire evening shift of servers will be spared Raymond's wrath at my mistake [ from then on, though, they're on their own ].
Ramona the Daytime Fight Starter
How do I begin with Ramona? Well, she certainly doesn't "play well with others." Weekday lunch shifts are staffed by only one bartender. Until she recently changed her schedule, Ramona worked every single weekday. By herself. She is very capable of doing so, don't get me wrong, but after three years [ at least ] of working nothing but shifts all by herself, let's just say that she's not much of a team player. We're supposed to split tips pretty evenly, but she sometimes takes a little more than her share. She tries to boss people around, and she only takes on the tasks she wants to take on, and when she wants to take them.
Like the rest of us, she'll bust her ass to clean thoroughly and get all of her prep made before Raymond comes in to replace her. Cuz we don't want to get in trouble. But does she put forth that kind of effort on the days that Sybil or I replace her? Not even remotely. It is beyond frustrating. And then, in the hectic transfer of open tabs and register tills, she'll try to get away with doing as little as possible. She'll have procrastinated on her side work just enough so that she's usually able to sneak out having skipped a few tasks. Or she'll conveniently forget to pay for the food she ordered for herself, leaving us to cover her bill. It just pisses us off every time, because quite frankly, it's not my job to do her job for her. This past Friday, for instance, I arrived at 4 PM to replace her, only to find the bar looking like Oklahoma after them tornadoes, and, although she left at 4:30, I was still doing her side work in my spare time until 6:30. That is NOT okay.
Back when I was a server, Ramona and I used to hang out with some frequency. She can be fun to spend time with outside of work, grabbing a couple of beers, venting about rude guests, gossiping about who's "secretly" dating who these days. Nothing you tell her can remain in confidence, as she'll blab any secret she knows, and asap. I swear, 30% of her time at work is spent gossiping about coworkers [ I know, I know.... pot, meet kettle ] or recounting a story about recent crazy escapades. She's one of those chicks who says she hates drama but, in reality, constantly perpetuates it.
She always speaks bluntly -- often to the point of being rude. And she's so quick to claim the description of bitch that you instantly realize how proud she is of that title. She looks forward to starting a fight with other chicks, as is evidenced by, well, getting into fights with other chicks nearly every time she gets trashed at a bar.
Even guests notice how unfriendly she can be. Sybil and I have gotten numerous comments on the subject -- most recently, "I'm glad that other girl bartender wasn't working today. She's not all that nice. Like, she's good and all, but she doesn't really interact well with the customers. You two are much nicer to deal with. You've got more positive personalities, you're much friendlier."
Ramona woke up one day recently and realized that being the daytime bartender at a cheap restaurant wouldn't cut it much longer for this divorced and newly single mother of three. So she decided to go back to school, but daytime classes cut back her daytime work hours too much and there went her income. So she picked up a nighttime bartending job at the little "Irish" pub across the street. Which means that now she is thoroughly exhausted from balancing two jobs, school, kids, their school, their extracurriculars, etc., and spends about 20% of her time complaining how tired she is. Unfortunately for us, she makes great money there [ as in, she can make in one night what it would take me nearly all week to make ], so the next 20% of her time is bragging about making SO MUCH MONEY. [ seriously, girl, if you're not going to hire me over there, then stfu :) ]
Then Ramona and her fiancé broke up [ the poor guy finally came to his senses, I guess? ], and she's been doing nothing but going crazy ever since. She's slept with infamous manwhore at work, slipped back into druggie circles, is drunk and partying more than usual [ which is saying something ], lying about her kid possibly breaking his arm to get out of work, no-call-no-show-ing to our restaurant [ but showing up just fine to her other bar later that night ], and showing up over an hour late to her shift... several times.
Basically, she went from a pain in the ass to impossible to be around.
Now, my math will show that only 30% of her time remains in which to actually do her job. And in most cases, I'm sure that wasting 70% of your time while on the clock would get you fired... But it seems Ramona is best friends with our GM, so she's safe.
lucky bitch.
Sybil the Nighttime Soap Opera Star
Sybil overanalyzes every detail of every relationship, making mountains out of molehills. She's another one of those drama perpetuators who "hates" drama -- there are NO secrets with her, even if the secret-teller makes it clear that the conversation is to held in complete confidence. She overshares the trials and tribulations of her rollercoaster love life, to the point of alienating one of her closest friends who just got tired of hearing about it. If she's in a good mood, she's goofy and fun to be around. If she's not, well then, stand a few feet back, cuz it'll be ugly. I often times find her to be unnecessarily harsh -- example: a server is picking up two margaritas, one with a salted rim and one with a sugared rim, and he asks which is which. Sybil gave him such an ugly "Are you dumb?" look and sneered in annoyance, "Just look at them, dude. Can you not see the difference in the granules?" [ okay, yeah, it was a dumb question, but was that lashout really necessary?? ]
Essentially, Sybil and Ramona are two queen bees trying to coexist peacefully in the same hive while still subtlely vying for the position of queen supreme. They won't admit it plainly, but I think that each of them has the goal of getting the other fired.
Needless to say, most "that bartender had a bad attitude" complaints are regarding either Sybil or Ramona. Usually in those cases, I can sweep in behind them with my cheerfulness [ it's a superpower, I swear ] to pick up the pieces of the guest's experience [ and to salvage some sort of tip ].
90% of the time, Sybil is quite friendly. Certain notes her voice hits strike me as fake, to be honest, but hey, gotta make that money, honey. Sybil certainly won't waste her time engaging in extracurricular conversation, as it were, with a guest whom she knows won't tip. [ I have that bad habit... ]
Sybil and I work together really well though. Like, really well. Like, guests comment on it. Often. I can tell what she is doing and what she will be doing next, and vice versa. We know which guests I should approach and which guests she should. We have different styles of operations sometimes, but we are in constant communication and contact. Sybil is by far my favorite to work with during the actual shift.
Sybil and I actually hang out, too. Often. Sure, I realize she's not the healthiest of friends to keep around me, but she's just so much fun! It's a friendship developed out of convenience, tbh, but substantial, nonetheless.
[ p.s. she's totally my pick for queen supreme ]
Joseph -- Speedy Gonzales
Joseph is probably the only bartender who prefers serving to bartending. As far as I can tell, that's just because he has an impressive number of regulars who want to sit in his section [ and tip him well ] but won't do so if he's behind the bar. Therefore, he only bartends two nights a week and in emergencies.
Joseph is definitely fun to work with, but he is also definitely selective in the guests he will and won't approach at the bar -- again, it's just hard to spend time on someone who you know will not tip you at the expense of augmenting your relationship with someone who actually will.
I don't know how he does it, but Joseph has some ninja skills when it comes to making drinks. He can knock out a dozen drink tickets far faster than I can, and he can clean the bar during closing twice as fast as I could even dream of being able to do. In the last hour of operation, we usually shift into a system of me interacting with all of the guests and him getting a head start on cleaning. It's a beautiful system.
Alexander -- All over the place
It's a little hard to describe Alexander as a bartender these days. Because he's also a server. And an expo. He only has one bar shift a week, plus emergencies, and it is a shift I do not work. Back when we did work a shift together, he was my favorite. Genuine friendliness, giggles and grins, and all that jazz. Without all the drama. It's a breath of fresh air.
Nate -- Most Fun to close with
Nate also splits his schedule with serving tables. He's a bit single-focused and calm compared to me, as I am quite ADHD and chatty, but he works very well with Sybil and me. I don't think he's got real lead bartender potential just yet, but he is certainly a fantastic assistant bartender.
I get to work with him Saturday nights and together we close the place down --with some assistance from his girlfriend/babymama, the hostess-turned-server Jenn. Once the last guests finally leave, we turn the restaurant music up ridiculously high and just jam out while cleaning. The two of them finally show their true colors, and they are so loud, spunky, and gregarious that we have more fun than should be allowed for cleaning and closing. In fact, we usually don't even notice that its taking us half an hour or even a full hour longer than it would with Joseph or Sybil in place of one of us. Nate's definitely my favorite to close with.
Jack -- Oh. Dear. God.
Jack is very difficult to work with. He operates efficiently as if in a tunnel, focused solely on the singular task at hand. That's fine when we're not busy -- but when we are, we all need to be multitasking. Which is something that he can hardly handle.
Here's the interesting thing about Jack. He quit like months ago [ he pretty much just cuts hair full time now. ], but we don't have enough fully trained and adequate bartenders to cover shifts should one or two need off at an inconvenient time, so our management just calls him in to cover shifts as needed.
I hate when he is needed.
He doesn't understand simple aspects of clear communication between the rest of the bartenders, which brings quite a few hiccups into the evening.
And then -- the cleaning. Holy mackerel, the cleaning.
Seriously. The man is challenged, bless his heart.
I literally have to pick and choose simple tasks for him and tell him what to do. The man is over ten years my senior, and I have to specifically direct him to clean a certain countertop or to go get the floor cleaner from the back because we're about to clean the floors. If I do not give him clear instructions and instead just leave him to his own devices, I will have to go behind him and REclean everything he just did. His ADHD is so bad it makes my ADHD look like I'm a super ninja cleaning machine, plus he spends half the time cleaning on the phone with his son [ who doesn't understand the concept of daddy not being allowed to talk while he's at work ] or with his mom [ who's his ride home ].
The last time he and I closed the bar together, he did about 10% of the closing duties. And we left nearly an hour later than we should have left. I was furious.
Damon -- DANGER! DANGER!
Damon is NOT a real bartender. He's a server whom the management tried to promote to bartending, and he failed. Miserably. He can't think for himself enough to figure out what to do next; he constantly awaits the next part of his step-by-step instructions. As soon as he finishes a task, he resumes his position, leaning up against the bar, watching whatever sports program is on TV.
Each of us bartenders went through only four official shifts of training to be promoted from serving. Then, we took weeknight shifts as the assistant bartender to Raymond to continue learning the ropes. Only after a few months did we progress to weekend shifts. Or even to weekday lunch shifts, for that matter, since they're staffed by only one person instead of two or three. Damon? Not so much. The managers invented ways to keep him in training. They added nearly an entire extra week to his training just to have him shadow the morning bartenders and learn the prep recipes, where the bottles go, how to set up the bar properly, etc.
And then, when he finished nearly twice the amount of training he's supposed to go through, how many shifts did the managers give him?
z.e.r.o.
Real conversation with the bar manager as Damon completed his bar training:
Me -- So what do you think about Damon as a bartender?
Manager -- [ exasperated sigh ] Well, I think he might be good... if we could ever get him to stop watching the damn TV.
Real conversation with Raymond, whose permission the managers need for pretty much any bar-related decision:
Me -- [ showing him the new schedule request sheets I'd made for the bartenders ] ...and I left off Damon from the list of bartenders, 'cuz well, he isn't one. But if the managers want to put him back here with us, I guess I'll remake the sheets and add his name...
Raymond -- No! No, there ain't no way they're gonna put him back here... [ mumble, mumble ] ... pay him extra and split our tips with him just to stand there and watch the fuckin' TV... [ mumble, mumble ] ... That ain't happenin'!
[ Raymond speaks very quietly, and I couldn't understand half of what he said, despite the fact that I was standing literally right next to him ]
SO!
These are the lovely people with whom I make and share my income. And speaking of... I should leave for work right about now.... Wish me luck!
[ degreed waitress ]
His Royal Highness Raymond
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| [ photo credit ] |
Raymond is our head bartender. He has worked for our little slice of heaven for over 12 years now. Longer than nearly all other staff, including most of our managers. He calls the shots about his schedule, he maintains the restaurant's alcohol inventory, and he essentially has the management eating out of his hand. [ Especially since one of our managers totally has the hots for him -- "mmm, I swear, if we weren't both taken!" ]
With Raymond, respect is not given -- only earned. I mean, at the rate that servers
Having spent over a decade bartending at the same location, let's just say he's built up a few regulars. I have come to know many of them myself; in fact, I've got a couple dozen people's normal drink and food orders memorized, but my "dozens" is only the tip of the Raymond iceberg. I am completely not even remotely kidding when I say that in EVERY. SINGLE. SHIFT. there is at least one guest who'll ask me, "Where's Ray?" "Is Ray not workin' tonight?" "Does Ray still work here?" etc. [ Every Friday and Saturday, fellow bartender Sybil and I place bets on how many "Where's Ray?" comments we'll drudge through as we work without him ].
"Okay, well, will you tell Ray that [ insert guest's name here ] said hi? He'll remember me." "Yes, of course," I lie. What's crazy is, he would remember them. Any of them. You know those scenes in TV crime dramas where the police interview the bartender and get the guest's entire life story which gives them the exact lead they need to solve the crime? Before I started working here, I'd never found that to be realistic. The "I-know-everybody Bartender" just struck me as a deus ex machina for the stuck writer.
Nope. He's real.
And in Raymond's case, he's also a total clean freak. One who is easily aggravated at walking in to a mess. Or anything less than perfectly spotless. And by the way, "easily aggravated" is putting it nicely. He's so nitpicky about it that his cleaning towels are always neatly folded in fourths at all times.
When I bartend lunch shifts, Raymond comes in at 4 o'clock to replace me. So essentially, by around 3 o'clock I've devolved into a nervous wreck, hustling here and there to the epic crunch-time theme song playing in my head, cleaning all sorts of things, praying that by the time he arrives, he can flash me his calm, almost-smile and utter his almost-whispered approval, "Looks good, babe." Then, our group of daily regulars [ captained by a spunky grandmotherly type woman whom Raymond calls "Mom" -- cuz, yeah, they're that close ] who arrive shortly after Raymond does, will high-five me behind his back and quietly exclaim, "Way to go, girlfriend!" And, more importantly, the entire evening shift of servers will be spared Raymond's wrath at my mistake [ from then on, though, they're on their own ].
Ramona the Daytime Fight Starter
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| [ photo credit ] |
Like the rest of us, she'll bust her ass to clean thoroughly and get all of her prep made before Raymond comes in to replace her. Cuz we don't want to get in trouble. But does she put forth that kind of effort on the days that Sybil or I replace her? Not even remotely. It is beyond frustrating. And then, in the hectic transfer of open tabs and register tills, she'll try to get away with doing as little as possible. She'll have procrastinated on her side work just enough so that she's usually able to sneak out having skipped a few tasks. Or she'll conveniently forget to pay for the food she ordered for herself, leaving us to cover her bill. It just pisses us off every time, because quite frankly, it's not my job to do her job for her. This past Friday, for instance, I arrived at 4 PM to replace her, only to find the bar looking like Oklahoma after them tornadoes, and, although she left at 4:30, I was still doing her side work in my spare time until 6:30. That is NOT okay.
Back when I was a server, Ramona and I used to hang out with some frequency. She can be fun to spend time with outside of work, grabbing a couple of beers, venting about rude guests, gossiping about who's "secretly" dating who these days. Nothing you tell her can remain in confidence, as she'll blab any secret she knows, and asap. I swear, 30% of her time at work is spent gossiping about coworkers [ I know, I know.... pot, meet kettle ] or recounting a story about recent crazy escapades. She's one of those chicks who says she hates drama but, in reality, constantly perpetuates it.
She always speaks bluntly -- often to the point of being rude. And she's so quick to claim the description of bitch that you instantly realize how proud she is of that title. She looks forward to starting a fight with other chicks, as is evidenced by, well, getting into fights with other chicks nearly every time she gets trashed at a bar.
Even guests notice how unfriendly she can be. Sybil and I have gotten numerous comments on the subject -- most recently, "I'm glad that other girl bartender wasn't working today. She's not all that nice. Like, she's good and all, but she doesn't really interact well with the customers. You two are much nicer to deal with. You've got more positive personalities, you're much friendlier."
Ramona woke up one day recently and realized that being the daytime bartender at a cheap restaurant wouldn't cut it much longer for this divorced and newly single mother of three. So she decided to go back to school, but daytime classes cut back her daytime work hours too much and there went her income. So she picked up a nighttime bartending job at the little "Irish" pub across the street. Which means that now she is thoroughly exhausted from balancing two jobs, school, kids, their school, their extracurriculars, etc., and spends about 20% of her time complaining how tired she is. Unfortunately for us, she makes great money there [ as in, she can make in one night what it would take me nearly all week to make ], so the next 20% of her time is bragging about making SO MUCH MONEY. [ seriously, girl, if you're not going to hire me over there, then stfu :) ]
Then Ramona and her fiancé broke up [ the poor guy finally came to his senses, I guess? ], and she's been doing nothing but going crazy ever since. She's slept with infamous manwhore at work, slipped back into druggie circles, is drunk and partying more than usual [ which is saying something ], lying about her kid possibly breaking his arm to get out of work, no-call-no-show-ing to our restaurant [ but showing up just fine to her other bar later that night ], and showing up over an hour late to her shift... several times.
Basically, she went from a pain in the ass to impossible to be around.
Now, my math will show that only 30% of her time remains in which to actually do her job. And in most cases, I'm sure that wasting 70% of your time while on the clock would get you fired... But it seems Ramona is best friends with our GM, so she's safe.
lucky bitch.
Sybil the Nighttime Soap Opera Star
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| [ photo credit ] |
Sybil overanalyzes every detail of every relationship, making mountains out of molehills. She's another one of those drama perpetuators who "hates" drama -- there are NO secrets with her, even if the secret-teller makes it clear that the conversation is to held in complete confidence. She overshares the trials and tribulations of her rollercoaster love life, to the point of alienating one of her closest friends who just got tired of hearing about it. If she's in a good mood, she's goofy and fun to be around. If she's not, well then, stand a few feet back, cuz it'll be ugly. I often times find her to be unnecessarily harsh -- example: a server is picking up two margaritas, one with a salted rim and one with a sugared rim, and he asks which is which. Sybil gave him such an ugly "Are you dumb?" look and sneered in annoyance, "Just look at them, dude. Can you not see the difference in the granules?" [ okay, yeah, it was a dumb question, but was that lashout really necessary?? ]
Essentially, Sybil and Ramona are two queen bees trying to coexist peacefully in the same hive while still subtlely vying for the position of queen supreme. They won't admit it plainly, but I think that each of them has the goal of getting the other fired.
Needless to say, most "that bartender had a bad attitude" complaints are regarding either Sybil or Ramona. Usually in those cases, I can sweep in behind them with my cheerfulness [ it's a superpower, I swear ] to pick up the pieces of the guest's experience [ and to salvage some sort of tip ].
90% of the time, Sybil is quite friendly. Certain notes her voice hits strike me as fake, to be honest, but hey, gotta make that money, honey. Sybil certainly won't waste her time engaging in extracurricular conversation, as it were, with a guest whom she knows won't tip. [ I have that bad habit... ]
Sybil and I work together really well though. Like, really well. Like, guests comment on it. Often. I can tell what she is doing and what she will be doing next, and vice versa. We know which guests I should approach and which guests she should. We have different styles of operations sometimes, but we are in constant communication and contact. Sybil is by far my favorite to work with during the actual shift.
Sybil and I actually hang out, too. Often. Sure, I realize she's not the healthiest of friends to keep around me, but she's just so much fun! It's a friendship developed out of convenience, tbh, but substantial, nonetheless.
[ p.s. she's totally my pick for queen supreme ]
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| [ photo credit ] |
Joseph is probably the only bartender who prefers serving to bartending. As far as I can tell, that's just because he has an impressive number of regulars who want to sit in his section [ and tip him well ] but won't do so if he's behind the bar. Therefore, he only bartends two nights a week and in emergencies.
Joseph is definitely fun to work with, but he is also definitely selective in the guests he will and won't approach at the bar -- again, it's just hard to spend time on someone who you know will not tip you at the expense of augmenting your relationship with someone who actually will.
I don't know how he does it, but Joseph has some ninja skills when it comes to making drinks. He can knock out a dozen drink tickets far faster than I can, and he can clean the bar during closing twice as fast as I could even dream of being able to do. In the last hour of operation, we usually shift into a system of me interacting with all of the guests and him getting a head start on cleaning. It's a beautiful system.
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| [ photo credit ] |
It's a little hard to describe Alexander as a bartender these days. Because he's also a server. And an expo. He only has one bar shift a week, plus emergencies, and it is a shift I do not work. Back when we did work a shift together, he was my favorite. Genuine friendliness, giggles and grins, and all that jazz. Without all the drama. It's a breath of fresh air.
Nate -- Most Fun to close with
Nate also splits his schedule with serving tables. He's a bit single-focused and calm compared to me, as I am quite ADHD and chatty, but he works very well with Sybil and me. I don't think he's got real lead bartender potential just yet, but he is certainly a fantastic assistant bartender.
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| [ photo credit ] |
Jack -- Oh. Dear. God.
Jack is very difficult to work with. He operates efficiently as if in a tunnel, focused solely on the singular task at hand. That's fine when we're not busy -- but when we are, we all need to be multitasking. Which is something that he can hardly handle.
Here's the interesting thing about Jack. He quit like months ago [ he pretty much just cuts hair full time now. ], but we don't have enough fully trained and adequate bartenders to cover shifts should one or two need off at an inconvenient time, so our management just calls him in to cover shifts as needed.
I hate when he is needed.
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| This is me when I see Jack's name on the schedule... [ photo credit ] |
And then -- the cleaning. Holy mackerel, the cleaning.
Seriously. The man is challenged, bless his heart.
I literally have to pick and choose simple tasks for him and tell him what to do. The man is over ten years my senior, and I have to specifically direct him to clean a certain countertop or to go get the floor cleaner from the back because we're about to clean the floors. If I do not give him clear instructions and instead just leave him to his own devices, I will have to go behind him and REclean everything he just did. His ADHD is so bad it makes my ADHD look like I'm a super ninja cleaning machine, plus he spends half the time cleaning on the phone with his son [ who doesn't understand the concept of daddy not being allowed to talk while he's at work ] or with his mom [ who's his ride home ].
The last time he and I closed the bar together, he did about 10% of the closing duties. And we left nearly an hour later than we should have left. I was furious.
Damon -- DANGER! DANGER!
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| [ photo credit ] |
Damon is NOT a real bartender. He's a server whom the management tried to promote to bartending, and he failed. Miserably. He can't think for himself enough to figure out what to do next; he constantly awaits the next part of his step-by-step instructions. As soon as he finishes a task, he resumes his position, leaning up against the bar, watching whatever sports program is on TV.
Each of us bartenders went through only four official shifts of training to be promoted from serving. Then, we took weeknight shifts as the assistant bartender to Raymond to continue learning the ropes. Only after a few months did we progress to weekend shifts. Or even to weekday lunch shifts, for that matter, since they're staffed by only one person instead of two or three. Damon? Not so much. The managers invented ways to keep him in training. They added nearly an entire extra week to his training just to have him shadow the morning bartenders and learn the prep recipes, where the bottles go, how to set up the bar properly, etc.
And then, when he finished nearly twice the amount of training he's supposed to go through, how many shifts did the managers give him?
z.e.r.o.
Real conversation with the bar manager as Damon completed his bar training:
Me -- So what do you think about Damon as a bartender?
Manager -- [ exasperated sigh ] Well, I think he might be good... if we could ever get him to stop watching the damn TV.
Real conversation with Raymond, whose permission the managers need for pretty much any bar-related decision:
Me -- [ showing him the new schedule request sheets I'd made for the bartenders ] ...and I left off Damon from the list of bartenders, 'cuz well, he isn't one. But if the managers want to put him back here with us, I guess I'll remake the sheets and add his name...
Raymond -- No! No, there ain't no way they're gonna put him back here... [ mumble, mumble ] ... pay him extra and split our tips with him just to stand there and watch the fuckin' TV... [ mumble, mumble ] ... That ain't happenin'!
[ Raymond speaks very quietly, and I couldn't understand half of what he said, despite the fact that I was standing literally right next to him ]
SO!
These are the lovely people with whom I make and share my income. And speaking of... I should leave for work right about now.... Wish me luck!
[ degreed waitress ]
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #4
I *thought* that this would be common sense. I forgot that common sense just isn't common. smh.
To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #4: Know who you're ordering for. Before you place an order.
It's dinner rush on Friday night.
You have just called my restaurant, and the new sixteen-year-old hostess at the front who can't be bothered with walking guests to their tables because she might ruin her makeup, so she just stands there answering the phone has just transferred your to-go phone call to me at the to-go area [ aka the bar ].
I'm in the middle of helping at least one or two or seven other guests at this time, so after about a minute or two of listening to the annoying as hell riiiiiiiiiiiing BEEP BEEP signifying that the Queen of England [ or whoever you think you are ] is waiting to talk to me, I will finally answer the phone with the cheerful, albeit slightly rushed greeting, "[ my restaurant ] To-Go, please hold," press the hold button, and put down the phone so fast that I have no idea if you've even heard me or not. [ okay, okay... sometimes I stay on the line long enough to utter a pleasant thank you. ]
My next task is to navigate to a stopping point in the pickup and placement of orders by the people standing right in front of me [ not to mention serving food and drinks to the bar guests, making drinks the servers have ordered for the rest of the restaurant, answering the OTHER to-go phone line, and being my own bar-back, etc. ] and get back to your call. Usually I can get to the phone within 2 - 3 minutes. Sometimes though, it's five minutes... and no, I'm not proud of that, but there ya go.
Now I finally give you my time. I pick up your phone line and greet with you an actually genuine "Thank you so much for holding. My name is [ degreed waitress ]. How may I help you?"
It is now your time to speak.
I give you all my [ largely ] undivided attention, and you give me all the food orders you could possibly imagine. All the menu-related questions you hold. All the special modifications you need. All the extra dressings your little heart desires. All the separate check specifications. Bring it. I'm ready. Anything else to clog your arteries, Your Highness? My time is yours.
It is NOT, however, the time for you to start figuring out who will be eating.
Don't waste my time making me listen to you ask your cousin, your auntie, your nana, your friend, your baby daddy, or [ God forbid ] your four-year-old world's-least-intelligent kid if they want anything to eat from our restaurant tonight. You had plenty of time to assemble everyone's orders while you were on hold. And even more time before you picked up that phone.
So, please, make everyone's life a little easier and take a few minutes to find out who is hungry before you call me.
[ degreed waitress ]
To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #4: Know who you're ordering for. Before you place an order.
It's dinner rush on Friday night.
You have just called my restaurant, and the new sixteen-year-old hostess at the front who can't be bothered with walking guests to their tables because she might ruin her makeup, so she just stands there answering the phone has just transferred your to-go phone call to me at the to-go area [ aka the bar ].
I'm in the middle of helping at least one or two or seven other guests at this time, so after about a minute or two of listening to the annoying as hell riiiiiiiiiiiing BEEP BEEP signifying that the Queen of England [ or whoever you think you are ] is waiting to talk to me, I will finally answer the phone with the cheerful, albeit slightly rushed greeting, "[ my restaurant ] To-Go, please hold," press the hold button, and put down the phone so fast that I have no idea if you've even heard me or not. [ okay, okay... sometimes I stay on the line long enough to utter a pleasant thank you. ]
My next task is to navigate to a stopping point in the pickup and placement of orders by the people standing right in front of me [ not to mention serving food and drinks to the bar guests, making drinks the servers have ordered for the rest of the restaurant, answering the OTHER to-go phone line, and being my own bar-back, etc. ] and get back to your call. Usually I can get to the phone within 2 - 3 minutes. Sometimes though, it's five minutes... and no, I'm not proud of that, but there ya go.
Now I finally give you my time. I pick up your phone line and greet with you an actually genuine "Thank you so much for holding. My name is [ degreed waitress ]. How may I help you?"
It is now your time to speak.
I give you all my [ largely ] undivided attention, and you give me all the food orders you could possibly imagine. All the menu-related questions you hold. All the special modifications you need. All the extra dressings your little heart desires. All the separate check specifications. Bring it. I'm ready. Anything else to clog your arteries, Your Highness? My time is yours.
It is NOT, however, the time for you to start figuring out who will be eating.
 |
| [ photo credit ] |
So, please, make everyone's life a little easier and take a few minutes to find out who is hungry before you call me.
[ degreed waitress ]
Thursday, May 9, 2013
To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #3
The to-go food ordering process can be a complex relationship at times, but believe me -- all it takes is a little trust.
If I can manage to trust that you -- a complete stranger -- will actually show up to claim your order like you say you will, thus ensuring that the time and effort put forth both by myself and by the entire kitchen staff [ not to mention the restaurant's food, and therefore money ] aren't completely wasted, then you should be able to trust that I actually know the menu of my own restaurant.
Apparently, many customers hold so tightly to their motto, "The customer is always right," that it somehow supersedes all logic, and it miraculously still applies when they are not even inside the restaurant, have not yet even become customers, and are not in possession of any reading materials [ i.e. menus ] -- whether in print or online -- which would spell out how to become a customer.
Since I becoming a to-go order processor [ aka bartender ], I have been surprised on a daily basis at how easily upset and offended the to-go callers can be at the revelation of little tidbits of menu information. They routinely argue with me about anything and everything remotely contrary to their preconceived notions of what our restaurant serves.
This leads me to today's tip...
To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #3: Trust the person taking your order.
**If I tell you the entrée comes with one side dish, not two, then the entrée comes with one side dish, not two.
[ Choose just one or pay for the second. It's that easy, really. ]
**If I tell you that we don't serve mac 'n' cheese, then we don't serve mac 'n' cheese.
[ You're going to pass Boston Market on the way here, so why don't you just stop there instead, yeah? ]
**If I tell you that we can't take the onions out of the chicken tortilla soup, then we can't take the onions out of the chicken tortilla soup.
[ Besides, do you really want us fishing around inside your bowl of soup, picking out the bits of chopped onion one-by-one, all by hand? I don't think so. Oh wait, you didn't actually think that our made-from-scratch soup is made one bowl at a time, did you? That's just cute. ]
**If I tell you that we stopped serving half-orders of onion rings over a year ago, then we stopped selling half-orders over a year ago.
[ And by "stopped serving" them, I don't just mean, "The managers said 'no,' but don't worry, random customer, I'm totally going to break the rules just for you." I mean, I don't have even the ability to order them anymore. The button itself is no longer existent. Therefore, NO you did NOT get a half-order here "just last week." Unless you went to a different branch. And that branch would have to be a franchise, not corporate, because that change was corporate-wide. And the nearest franchise-owned restaurant in our chain is a couple hundred miles away. So if you were there last week, then yeah, you probably did get the half-order of onion rings when you ordered them. But if you were here, like you're so adamantly insisting, then no, you did not get them last week, and no, you will not get them this week. So please stop arguing with me. ]
**If I -- and the menu -- tell you that all things labeled "chicken tenders" are fried chicken tenders and all things labeled "grilled chicken breasts" are grilled chicken breasts, then guess what? That's how it is. "Chicken Tenders" are not grilled, and "chicken breasts" are not fried.
[ I know, I know, it's all so confusing. It's like the restaurant should just make a detailed list of what's in every single entrée and make it easily accessible by putting that list on every single table and in front of every single guest..... ]
Essentially what it comes down to is this...
I had to prove thorough knowledge of our menu in order to complete training and even be allowed to work here.
I have worked here, serving food from this menu, nearly every day for the past two years.
I have eaten here, eating food from this menu, nearly every day for the past two years.
I have trained dozens of new hires to become excellent servers, and that includes teaching them the details of this menu.
Let's just say I know the menu.
Therefore,
**If I make a menu-related comment, then please assume it to be fact. Do not argue, as you will only make yourself look stupid.
Unless, of course, that was your original intent. Then, by all means, go right ahead.
Either way, thank you for unintentionally gifting me the subsequent momentary feeling of intellectual superiority. That's the chicken [ tortilla ] soup for my soul.
[ degreed waitress ]
If I can manage to trust that you -- a complete stranger -- will actually show up to claim your order like you say you will, thus ensuring that the time and effort put forth both by myself and by the entire kitchen staff [ not to mention the restaurant's food, and therefore money ] aren't completely wasted, then you should be able to trust that I actually know the menu of my own restaurant.
Apparently, many customers hold so tightly to their motto, "The customer is always right," that it somehow supersedes all logic, and it miraculously still applies when they are not even inside the restaurant, have not yet even become customers, and are not in possession of any reading materials [ i.e. menus ] -- whether in print or online -- which would spell out how to become a customer.
Since I becoming a to-go order processor [ aka bartender ], I have been surprised on a daily basis at how easily upset and offended the to-go callers can be at the revelation of little tidbits of menu information. They routinely argue with me about anything and everything remotely contrary to their preconceived notions of what our restaurant serves.
This leads me to today's tip...
To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #3: Trust the person taking your order.
**If I tell you the entrée comes with one side dish, not two, then the entrée comes with one side dish, not two.
[ Choose just one or pay for the second. It's that easy, really. ]
**If I tell you that we don't serve mac 'n' cheese, then we don't serve mac 'n' cheese.
[ You're going to pass Boston Market on the way here, so why don't you just stop there instead, yeah? ]
**If I tell you that we can't take the onions out of the chicken tortilla soup, then we can't take the onions out of the chicken tortilla soup.
[ Besides, do you really want us fishing around inside your bowl of soup, picking out the bits of chopped onion one-by-one, all by hand? I don't think so. Oh wait, you didn't actually think that our made-from-scratch soup is made one bowl at a time, did you? That's just cute. ]
**If I tell you that we stopped serving half-orders of onion rings over a year ago, then we stopped selling half-orders over a year ago.
[ And by "stopped serving" them, I don't just mean, "The managers said 'no,' but don't worry, random customer, I'm totally going to break the rules just for you." I mean, I don't have even the ability to order them anymore. The button itself is no longer existent. Therefore, NO you did NOT get a half-order here "just last week." Unless you went to a different branch. And that branch would have to be a franchise, not corporate, because that change was corporate-wide. And the nearest franchise-owned restaurant in our chain is a couple hundred miles away. So if you were there last week, then yeah, you probably did get the half-order of onion rings when you ordered them. But if you were here, like you're so adamantly insisting, then no, you did not get them last week, and no, you will not get them this week. So please stop arguing with me. ]
**If I -- and the menu -- tell you that all things labeled "chicken tenders" are fried chicken tenders and all things labeled "grilled chicken breasts" are grilled chicken breasts, then guess what? That's how it is. "Chicken Tenders" are not grilled, and "chicken breasts" are not fried.
[ I know, I know, it's all so confusing. It's like the restaurant should just make a detailed list of what's in every single entrée and make it easily accessible by putting that list on every single table and in front of every single guest..... ]
Essentially what it comes down to is this...
I had to prove thorough knowledge of our menu in order to complete training and even be allowed to work here.
I have worked here, serving food from this menu, nearly every day for the past two years.
I have eaten here, eating food from this menu, nearly every day for the past two years.
I have trained dozens of new hires to become excellent servers, and that includes teaching them the details of this menu.
Let's just say I know the menu.
Therefore,
**If I make a menu-related comment, then please assume it to be fact. Do not argue, as you will only make yourself look stupid.
Unless, of course, that was your original intent. Then, by all means, go right ahead.
Either way, thank you for unintentionally gifting me the subsequent momentary feeling of intellectual superiority. That's the chicken [ tortilla ] soup for my soul.
[ degreed waitress ]
Sunday, May 5, 2013
This JUST happened.
[ catching up with an old friend's dad after church this morning ]
"So where do you work?"
" [ my restaurant ]. I'm a bartender."
"A bartender? Four years of college, and you're a bartender?"
Gee, thanks. Can I slap you in the face now?
[ degreed waitress ]
"So where do you work?"
" [ my restaurant ]. I'm a bartender."
"A bartender? Four years of college, and you're a bartender?"
Gee, thanks. Can I slap you in the face now?
[ degreed waitress ]
Thursday, April 11, 2013
To-Go Tips Galore! -- Tip #2
What is your name?
[ degreed waitress ]
What is your quest?
To eradicate to-go food ordering stupidity.
What is your favorite color?
Teal! No, green! No! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #2: Pay attention to what the person taking your order is saying.
I answered your call pleasantly, saying "[ my restaurant ] To-Go, thank you for holding. Can I get the name for your order please?"
Guess what?! I didn't just say that same spiel for the seventy-third time tonight just for giggles and grins. No, there's actually a reason! I need your name first. So when you ignore my question and shoot off three or four rapid-fire orders all the while I'm trying to sneak in a repeat of the question, "Hold on a moment, ma'am, can I get your name please?" then you have the audacity to rudely snap "No! I'm not finished yet!" and keep ordering... then you have NO right to be pissed off when I politely state, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't take your order until I have your name." A super offended "Excuse me?" is NOT called for, but luckily you've finally shut up long enough for me to explain, "My computer system won't allow me to start a food order without a name for the order. Which is why I asked you for your name first. So what name can I put your order under?"
By the way, lady, in those few moments of deafening silence, I could just hear you shrink in embarrassment. And I kinda enjoyed it. So, uh, thanks for that ;)
[ p.s. Thanks also for sending your son to pick up the food. He's always really nice and tips really well. ]
[ degreed waitress ]
[ degreed waitress ]
What is your quest?
To eradicate to-go food ordering stupidity.
What is your favorite color?
Teal! No, green! No! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
To-Go Tips Galore! Tip #2: Pay attention to what the person taking your order is saying.
I answered your call pleasantly, saying "[ my restaurant ] To-Go, thank you for holding. Can I get the name for your order please?"
 |
| What is your name? [ photo credit ] |
By the way, lady, in those few moments of deafening silence, I could just hear you shrink in embarrassment. And I kinda enjoyed it. So, uh, thanks for that ;)
[ p.s. Thanks also for sending your son to pick up the food. He's always really nice and tips really well. ]
[ degreed waitress ]
Monday, April 1, 2013
A(ballsy)broad
Once again, I had the what are you doing with your life? conversation with my guests.
Oh, joy.
They kept asking me questions between bites (it was somehow less awkward than it sounds, I promise), but unlike any other conversation on this topic that I've ever had with a guest, I never felt judged for my employment choice or demeaned in any way. This middle-aged married couple seemed legitimately interested in getting to know me. It was weird, well, at first, anyways.
We talked about my International Business degree. We talked about my love for traveling the world, acquiring new languages, and building cross-cultural relationships. We talked about my indecisiveness, my uncertainties. But most importantly, we talked about her life.
The two seated in front of me shared my international interests. The wife especially had vastly out-traveled me, thanks mainly to this story: At age 21, she was a single mother with a one-year-old daughter and an overwhelming urge to travel the world. And what did she do?
She traveled the world.
Yup. With no plans and no goals, a young woman left all friends, family, and familiarity behind to travel extensively throughout Europe and Asia for the first time. For nearly a year. With an infant.
Why can't I find the balls to do that?
I mean, seriously. Why am I still here? I'm 23, educated, single, no kids, relatively little debt, and in a job that I can easily (and most days, gladly) leave. My wanderlust was my main reason for choosing the International Business major. My only positive academic memories from elementary and middle school are from my Spanish and Latin classes because I loved learning languages so much. My soul's sole craving right now is just to be a traveler.
Not a tourist, mind you. A traveler. There is a difference.
A traveler. My imagination soars into wild creativity building scenario after fantastic scenario. My gut clenches around what feels like a thousand butterflies. My heart leaps, racing over each Olympic hurdle of a rib.
I become a whole new person when I travel. I become bold, where I am normally cautious. I become an adrenaline junkie, where I am normally apprehensive. I become serene, where I am normally feisty. I become spirited, where I am normally lazy. I become conscientious of my surroundings, where I am normally inattentive. I become the better version of myself.
And yet, I'm still here. I find a way to talk myself out of it, every time -- How will I afford it? What will I do while I'm there -- will I just travel on my own, or will I seek out a job while there, or enroll in a service immersion program? How long would I stay? What would I do when I get back? Where would I even go? Would I be safe? What if I got lonely traveling by myself? What about all the friends I would miss? How would my mother get any sleep at night? blah blah blah... -- And then I take the easy road yet again -- the highway to my hellhole of a restaurant job -- and I am disappointed in myself for talking myself out of going, every time.
Why can't I find the balls to do that?
The question still rings in my head. Every time I look at table 114. Every time someone mentions traveling. Every time a guest/coworker/friend/parent asks me what I want to do next in life.
Why can't I find the balls to do that?
Why am I holding myself back from the one thing I want most?
Maybe one day, I'll just go.
[ degreed waitress ]
Oh, joy.
They kept asking me questions between bites (it was somehow less awkward than it sounds, I promise), but unlike any other conversation on this topic that I've ever had with a guest, I never felt judged for my employment choice or demeaned in any way. This middle-aged married couple seemed legitimately interested in getting to know me. It was weird, well, at first, anyways.
We talked about my International Business degree. We talked about my love for traveling the world, acquiring new languages, and building cross-cultural relationships. We talked about my indecisiveness, my uncertainties. But most importantly, we talked about her life.
The two seated in front of me shared my international interests. The wife especially had vastly out-traveled me, thanks mainly to this story: At age 21, she was a single mother with a one-year-old daughter and an overwhelming urge to travel the world. And what did she do?
She traveled the world.
Yup. With no plans and no goals, a young woman left all friends, family, and familiarity behind to travel extensively throughout Europe and Asia for the first time. For nearly a year. With an infant.
Why can't I find the balls to do that?
I mean, seriously. Why am I still here? I'm 23, educated, single, no kids, relatively little debt, and in a job that I can easily (and most days, gladly) leave. My wanderlust was my main reason for choosing the International Business major. My only positive academic memories from elementary and middle school are from my Spanish and Latin classes because I loved learning languages so much. My soul's sole craving right now is just to be a traveler.
Not a tourist, mind you. A traveler. There is a difference.
A traveler. My imagination soars into wild creativity building scenario after fantastic scenario. My gut clenches around what feels like a thousand butterflies. My heart leaps, racing over each Olympic hurdle of a rib.
I become a whole new person when I travel. I become bold, where I am normally cautious. I become an adrenaline junkie, where I am normally apprehensive. I become serene, where I am normally feisty. I become spirited, where I am normally lazy. I become conscientious of my surroundings, where I am normally inattentive. I become the better version of myself.
And yet, I'm still here. I find a way to talk myself out of it, every time -- How will I afford it? What will I do while I'm there -- will I just travel on my own, or will I seek out a job while there, or enroll in a service immersion program? How long would I stay? What would I do when I get back? Where would I even go? Would I be safe? What if I got lonely traveling by myself? What about all the friends I would miss? How would my mother get any sleep at night? blah blah blah... -- And then I take the easy road yet again -- the highway to my hellhole of a restaurant job -- and I am disappointed in myself for talking myself out of going, every time.
Why can't I find the balls to do that?
The question still rings in my head. Every time I look at table 114. Every time someone mentions traveling. Every time a guest/coworker/friend/parent asks me what I want to do next in life.
Why can't I find the balls to do that?
Why am I holding myself back from the one thing I want most?
Maybe one day, I'll just go.
[ degreed waitress ]
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