facepalming at table 13

On a recent Monday afternoon, in that slow crawl between 2:00 and 4:00pm, I approach Table 13 to deliver my opening spiel. On my left sits a woman, and across from her, her husband. As the woman looks over the bar drink menu, she begins to ask me questions about the different margaritas we have.

Here are her options:

1) the house margarita (on the rocks or frozen),
2) the grande margarita (a larger glass with higher class liquors, still on the rocks or frozen),
3) some sort of flavored version of the first two options,
or 4) a handcrafted specialty margarita (only available on the rocks).

Standard assortment, I might say.

Somehow, this woman does not seem to understand that ALL margaritas have tequila in them.

Lady: *points at a picture* "Can I get tequila in this margarita?"
Me: "Yes, ma'am, all of our margaritas have tequila."
Lady: *points at a different picture* "Well, what about this one? Can I get tequila in this one too?"
Me: "Yes, ma'am, all of our margaritas have tequila."

About five minutes of Alcohol 101 later, she finally decides on the house frozen strawberry margarita. Then she asks for a half-glass of water. Half. Why? I have no flippin' clue. But she also wants a bowl of lemons. (Yay! I love giving guests free lemonade! Not.)

The conversation was tough to struggle through, because on top of her alcohol ignorance, she was having difficulty speaking. Not in a lisp or speech impediment sort of way, but in a FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD, CAN YOU PLEASE USE A COMPLETE SENTENCE!?! OR BETTER YET, COULD YOU MAYBE EVEN JUST TAKE A HALF-SECOND TO THINK BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH!?! sort of way.

She was so incoherent that, at first, I seriously thought she was already plastered. I dreaded the idea of calling over the manager so that we could refuse to serve her more alcohol. Then, I observed that her husband's body language was entirely too relaxed for this to be the case. If she was actually drunk and babbling like an idiot in public, he would probably be entertained (I know I would be!) or have some sort of reaction. But no, he was casually reading over the entree menu and texting. And thus I realized something worse -- this level of stupid was not, in fact, drunkenness. It was her normal behavior.

Usually, taking the drink and appetizer orders for a table of two will take about one minute. Tops. This took at least five. Which means my guests at Table 24, whose half-empty glasses I had planned on refreshing when I brought 13's drinks, for the sake of efficiency, are now sitting completely empty. And my guests at 14 are sitting with filled to-go boxes, waiting with waning patience for their checks. Luckily, both tables actually observed me standing at Table 13 the whole time--and not just putzing around--and I had established a good enough report with them that they were still in overall good spirits and left decent tips.

I finally get back into the kitchen. Make the drinks for 13 and 24.. Order the margarita and the appetizer.. Print the check for 14.. Deliver said items. And now we get to the food order.

*deep breath*

Lady: "Okay, hmm. I seem to remember.. Hmm. Okay, I think I want... Don't y'all have, like, a grilled tilapi?"

No, that wasn't a typo. She said "tilapi." As in "tuh-la-pee." Not "tuh-la-pee-uh," like it's supposed to be. Perhaps she doesn't actually know, just like with the margaritas. I have no place to judge her pronunciation or level of intelligence.....but still, it took all that I had to stifle my laughter.

"Yes, ma'am," I said, "We have this Grilled Tilapia with Mango Salsa," and pointed to the description on the menu.

The description (if any of my guests was to ever actually read the menu) notes that the blackened tilapia and the mango salsa are served with blackened shrimp, all atop a bed of seasoned rice, along with two side dishes--which are listed about 8 or 9 inches to the right of the tilapia's description, along the facing page.

"Yeah, I want that!" she said. "But I don't want no rice."
"Okay, I can tell the cooks not to put any on there for ya."
"Do I get to have a side dish instead?"
"Well, I can take the rice out, but I can't substitute another side dish for it, because the rice is considered just a garnish. Regardless, your entree still comes with two side dishes."

What ensued was an additional five minutes of re-explaining and re-explaining that she only gets two side dishes with her meal, regardless of the presence of rice on her plate, and that a third dish would cost extra. Finally the husband even pipes in, in the hopes of making her understand and expediting the situation. Finally she gets it, and decides she wants carrots and a baked potato.

I order the entrees and bring out the appetizer. The lady loves her margarita and asks for a cup of ice for her half-glass of water. The drinks remain pretty full, so I pretty much ignored that table as much as possible until their entrees were ready.  I do my "two minute two bite" check back after the delivery, and all is well. Then a few minutes after that, she calls out to me and waves me down...while I am taking the order of the new guests at Table 14.

[By the way, this is a guaranteed way to make your server hate you]

I complete taking 14's order and walk the three feet over to her table to see what is all of a sudden the matter. With her fork, the lady is moving around the mango salsa with a look of discontent on her face. 

"What--what is this?"
"That's the mango salsa, ma'am," I replied.
"Well, what's this yellow stuff?"
"That's mango, ma'am."
"Uh, what's that?"
"It's a fruit?" I stated, incredulously.

Who hasn't heard of a mango?

"Do you not like it?"
"Hmm.. Not really."
"Can I get you something else that you would prefer instead?"
"No, I'll just scrape it off."

Interestingly enough, the woman became increasingly coherent the more she drank, which was a blessing. And they left just over 20% on their tip, which was beautiful :D


[ degreed waitress ]

Dear customer, you're a genius.

Customer: "Uhh what's that one salad called? It's got, like, pecans on it and, like, grilled chicken..."
Server: "The Grilled Chicken Pecan Salad?"
Customer: "Yeah, that's it! I want that one!"

[ degreed waitress ]

Bon Qui Qui at table 114

Here's a story from one of my fellow servers; let's call her Meredith.  She's serving a table of two women one night this past week, and apparently these saucy women were more interested in getting sauced than in actually eating.  Which is fine.  Some people want a drink to relax before they even start in on the meal.  No biggie.  Meredith has them each started on a flavored house margarita, but they don't order any food... 

…for nearly an hour.  Despite a handful of visits to the table.  When Meredith finally gets an order, it's for another round of drinks.  Lady #1 says she doesn't know what she wants for dinner just yet, so she'll just take her drink for now.  Totally understandable.  Frustrating for the server who's focused on turnover and tips, definitely, but not actually a problem.  Until lady #2 says that she does know what she wants to eat.

So now Meredith has only one food order, although there are two people seated, who both intend to eat.  Normally this can be solved by patiently giving the indecisive one a few more minutes so that you can place the orders together and then they'll come out together.  Exciting.  I mean, who wants to go out to dinner with friends, and have them start eating five, ten minutes before you do just because they make quicker decisions than you do?  No one.

Except for Bon Qui Qui here. 

Meredith:  "Okay, ma'am, I'll give you a few more minutes to dec--"

Bon Qui Qui, completely interrupting: "Look, I'ma get my drink on first, okay?  Thank you, have a good day, buh-bye."

The Queen of Sass accessorized her "buh-bye" with that hand-swiping, head-bobbing thing.  You know what I'm talking about.... (which is why I'm calling her Bon Qui Qui).

Uhhh..... Oh no you di'int!!

Meredith was obviously offended given the complete lack of need for such an attitude.  She was all like uhhh.... but she regained her composure and definitively says this...

"Okay well the bar's been a little backed up lately, so it may be several minutes on those drinks."

And walks off.

Guess what.  The bar wasn't backed up.  It only would take two or three minutes tops to get the drinks made, given how slow the restaurant was at the time.  But Meredith intended to hold back the drink order for a while.  It was the only form of revenge she had for being so rudely snapped at.

And she decided to order Lady #2's food without waiting for Lady #1's order.

Some people, like this Lady #1, will shoo their servers away, snap their fingers to get us to come over, shout "hey!"at us while we're at another table, shake their glasses at us for refills.  Basically, they treat us more like dogs than people (except for that one about the refills, of course… unless you have a really well trained dog, in which case,  that's awesome.)  Who else gets treated like this?  Not friends, not cashiers, not bank tellers, not even random strangers.  Yet this behavior is a daily experience for me and my fellow servers.  These guests need to learn to treat their servers well, especially since we have a great deal of control over the success of their dining experience.  And many servers, like Meredith here, are sure willing to step up and provide that lesson.  I'm not necessarily a fan of all of Meredith's actions here, but I can certainly sympathize, having dealt with a few Sass Queens myself.  Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now.

[ degreed waitress ]

Hello, internets!

Restaurants are vibrant places, full of commotion.  Full of fun, frenzy, and frustration (aren't alliterations awesome?!).  I have certainly enjoyed my time working in this industry, short though it may be.  I am currently working at a casual dining establishment; it is my second restaurant position, and my first as a server.

Every single table, at every single shift presents the server with a new adventure.  Sometimes this adventure makes you hate the world and want to give every idiot in your section a good swift slap across the face.  Twice.  But sometimes it restores your faith in humanity and makes you realize how beautiful life can be.  Either way, the guests provide a server with a plethora of interesting stories, from refusing to eat a side dish of corn because it is "off-the-cob" instead of "on" (when the menu clearly says "off"), to asking for the dollar menu at a sit-down restaurant!  Which is why I want to share with you stories from this crazy journey of waiting tables.

[ degreed waitress ]